When I quit drinking in 2016, I did not call myself an alcoholic. That was not denial. It was my truth. Period.
I say that, BUT there was a time I ‘said it aloud’ because I felt I had to say it. I’ll explain more in a moment…
Here’s the thing. Gray area drinking vs alcoholism is something real. I just didn’t know it yet. What I did know is I was drinking more than a social drinker. I knew there were days it was just too much. And I knew something needed to change.
But I also knew, in that deep and unshakeable way that your gut knows things before your brain can explain them, that the word alcoholic did not fit. And I was not willing to claim a label that did not belong to me, even when the world around me was handing it over and expecting me to accept it.
That decision, to stand firm in my own understanding of who I was, turned out to be one of the most important things I ever did. It’s the heart of what I do today with clients, and what I want to talk about with you this week.
The Traditional Route (aka, The Expected Route)
When I decided to end my love affair with wine, I looked around and asked what existed for someone like me. And in 2016, the answer was pretty clear: Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s the gold standard of recovery programs, it has saved millions of lives.
So I went. I showed up. I did the work. I got a sponsor. Read the Big Book cover to cover. And I completed ‘most’ of the 12 steps.
I can genuinely say that I got something valuable from those first months in the program. The steps themselves, the moral inventory, the honest look at resentments and patterns, that kind of deep self-examination is meaningful for anyone, whether they drink or not. I am truly glad I went through it.
But something kept nagging at me the longer I stayed. At every meeting, the identity being handed to me was the same: I was an alcoholic. I would always be an alcoholic. That was the story, and it was not up for discussion. So I said when it was my time to talk, “Hi. I’m Kari, and I’m an alcoholic.”
Gulp.
And the more I heard it, the more I felt something in me resist it. Not because I was avoiding the truth. But because it was NOT my truth.
I was someone who had made a decision to change. That felt completely different to me than being someone permanently defined by a label tied to the worst version of a habit I was actively moving away from. So after a few months, I stopped going to meetings. It was the right decision for me, not for everyone.
Now, let me say this quick. For millions of people, AA isn’t just a program. It is a lifeline, a community, and a spiritual home. That is beautiful! But for me, staying in that identity felt like keeping one foot anchored in a past I was working hard to leave behind? No thank you!!
Gray Area Drinking vs. Alcoholism
Two years later, in 2018, I was listening to a podcast interview and heard a term I had never heard before. Gray area drinking.
I remember exactly where I was and exactly how it felt. Something in me just lit up. Because for the first time, I had language for what I had actually been. Not an alcoholic. A gray area drinker. Someone who was drinking more than a take-it-or-leave-it social drinker, but who was not severely dependent on alcohol or abusing it in the way the clinical definition of alcoholism describes. Someone living in that uncomfortable middle ground where something feels off but nothing looks dramatic enough for the world to take seriously.
That was me. Completely and exactly me. And having the right words for it changed everything.
The term gray area drinking was first introduced in the academic literature around 2011, when researchers began describing the significant population of drinkers who fall outside both ends of the traditional spectrum. Not occasional social drinkers, and not severe alcoholics, but the large and largely unaddressed middle. People who were drinking more than they wanted to, struggling to moderate, noticing the effects on their sleep and their mood and their relationships, but who did not identify with the rock-bottom narrative that most recovery resources were built around.
When I heard that description of gray area drinking, I knew immediately what I was supposed to do with it. There were people out there exactly like I had been in 2016, looking for help and finding only options that did not quite fit. And I could be the person who spoke to them. That realization is how GrayTonic was born. There is more to that story, (and I will be sharing it in a future episode of Beyond the Gray podcast), but that is the seed of how this all began. And I’m so grateful.
Why the Words You Claim About Yourself Matter
This is bigger than what I experienced with the alcoholic label. It’s something people deal with in every area of their lives.
The words we use to describe ourselves are not neutral. They are instructions. When you claim an identity, your brain goes to work looking for evidence that it is true. Psychologists call this a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it is one of the most well-documented phenomena in behavioral science. You act in accordance with who you believe you are. Which means if the identity you are carrying is one that was handed to you at your lowest point, and you have been wearing it ever since, your brain has been working overtime to prove that identity correct.
I did that for YEARS! Like a badge of honor.
Neuroscientist Dr. Norman Doidge’s research on neuroplasticity takes this further. He discovered our brain is not fixed. It rewires itself continuously based on your consistent thoughts and behaviors. Which means the person you are today, neurologically, is genuinely different from the person you were at your worst. Clinging to an old identity is not just emotionally limiting. It is, as I say in this week’s episode, neurologically inaccurate.
This goes well beyond drinking.
Think about the identities you are carrying right now that were given to you rather than chosen. The fourth grade teacher who said you were not a math person. The parent who called you the difficult one. The version of yourself you built around a season of your life that is long over. The label a program gave you, or a relationship, or a failure you have not fully forgiven yourself for.
Those labels feel like facts. They are not. They are stories. And stories can be rewritten. That’s a good thing! And should bring you a sense of hope.
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What It Looks Like to Choose a New Identity
I know it’s sounds easy for me to just say “rewrite your story” and yet, much harder to know what that actually means in practice. So let’s break it down because this is important.
- It starts with naming the identity you have been carrying. Get specific about it. Not vague. Write it down if you can, because you cannot release something you have not fully looked at. Then ask yourself honestly whether it is actually true, or whether it was true once, under specific circumstances, and has simply been running on autopilot ever since.
- Then choose something different. Not a vague affirmation. A specific, present-tense identity statement that you actually believe is possible. Not I am trying to be better. Something like I am someone who has made a significant change and keeps going. I am someone who chooses differently now. Say it like it is already true, because in the ways that matter most, it already is.
- And then start collecting evidence. Every morning you wake up and make a choice that aligns with who you are becoming, that is evidence. Every time you handle something hard in a way that the old version of you would not have, that is evidence. Build the case for the new identity one small proof point at a time.
Give this a try in an area you’re feeling stuck in. I promise you this: it works if you work it. (That’s an AA saying, btw! And one of many good ones.) This is intentional focus, and it works.
This Week on Beyond the Gray
Episode 11 goes deep into all of this. I talk about the science of identity change, the role of neuroplasticity, the research on natural recovery, and why the label you carry may be doing more to keep you stuck than the habit ever did. I also share more of my personal experience with AA and what ultimately led me to leave, and why I think that decision, while right for me, is not the answer for everyone.
If any part of what I shared thus far has landed for you, this episode is going to take it much further.
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I want to leave you with the thing I most needed to hear back in 2016. It’s when looking at a decision to change while being handed a label I did not recognize myself in, nor wished to adopt.
You do not have to accept an identity just because someone offers it to you. You don’t need to say you’re an alcoholic if you identify as a gray area drinker. You know yourself better than any label does. And the words you choose to claim about yourself are some of the most powerful choices you will ever make.
Choose them carefully. Choose them honestly. And never stop giving yourself permission to outgrow the ones that no longer tell the truth about who you are.
If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s this… There is life beyond the gray. Don’t settle. Keep moving forward and know WHO you truly are.
To your future self,
Kari
Working on your new identity is better accomplished with a strategic partner who knows the way. Schedule a free Discovery Call with me today.
