Beyond the Gray explores the quiet questions many high-achievers face when life looks successful on the outside but feels slightly misaligned within. Hosted by Kari Schwear, the podcast dives into topics like gray area drinking, midlife shifts, relationships, purpose, and personal leadership. Through honest conversations and practical insight, it helps driven individuals reconnect with what matters most and lead their lives with greater intention.
Beyond the Gray – Episode Four (with Rob)
When One Partner Changes and the Other Doesn’t | How to Save Your Marriage After 50
Kari: Imagine being married for over 30 years and you hear from your partner, “I don’t want to be married anymore.” Imagine what that might feel like. Well, in today’s episode, Rob and I are going to be sharing that exact story with you, and why it’s so hard when one partner wants to make some changes and the other one isn’t quite ready yet.
Kari: Welcome back to Beyond the Gray. I am so excited that you are here, because today I have a very special guest joining me, my husband Rob. And we are going to be sharing our story. It’s not the first time that we shared it. However, it is the first time on our own podcast. And Rob will be joining me for future episodes. So I hope that you will enjoy this one. And more importantly, I hope that this really helps those that need to hear the situation that we were in, because I don’t think it’s that uncommon. I think it’s more common than we’d like to admit.
And I’ve said from day one on episode one that we will be having hard conversations here, and that’s exactly what this conversation will be today. And maybe you’re already thinking about your own relationship or your marriage, where maybe you’re not attracted to them anymore. Maybe things have changed. Maybe, like us, you are married for decades and things evolve.
And maybe you’re at that place right now. So I want to really dive in. We’re going to share our truth and tell you what happened and how it happened, because I know we’re not the only ones. And again, the goal of this episode today is to show you what happens when two people aren’t on the same page, and more importantly, what you can do about it, because that is the goal here. We are big fans of marriage and we want to see people stay together.
So for context, I guess I’ll start. I quit drinking in 2016. It wasn’t for a couple years until I started my business in 2018. And by 2019, Rob had just turned 50 and we were going this way pretty rapidly. I had started my own business. I’m super excited about where I was, and we weren’t on the same page. I felt as though I was doing this and he was down here, and not that I was better than him or elevated, but I felt like this huge disconnect was happening. This affected all areas of our marriage, our intimacy, our communication, how we related to one another, and I just wasn’t in a good place.
The bigger part of that was I feel like our identities were on different pages as well. Here we are, empty nesters. Both of our children have moved out of the house years prior. One was already married, or almost married. I should say, no, yeah, he was already married. And things change. Dynamics change, especially in a long-term relationship.
So that’s where I was at emotionally, super excited about my business, gung-ho, left a six-figure job. And I want to give him the opportunity to share where you were during that time.
Rob: It was a normal year for me. Kids were gone. We had sat down and had the conversation about, you know, life’s going to change. We’re not going to be the same people. We’re going to have to get to know each other again because the kids are no longer the sole focal point of our lives.
Kari: Can I just interrupt for one second?
Rob: Sure.
Kari: The context of that was back in 2014-ish? Something like that. Before I quit drinking, we had that conversation.
Rob: So I’m thinking everything’s going great, right? She decides to quit drinking. I’m all supportive of it because, quite honestly, we did have conversations about some excess, how I felt it was too much. I didn’t want to see her, you know, become like some other people that I cared about in my life. And so I was excited for it. So, you know, it was just a place where I was just still doing what I was doing. I was working every day. I was being the supportive husband. I was supporting my wife to quit her six-figure job and go ahead and just start her own business and say, “Here we go.”
So I think I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do. And quite clearly, all I did was have my head down in the minutia of everyday living and not everyday growing or building our relationship or our marriage. I think that about sums it up.
Kari: Yeah. Yeah. And at the time I felt very unsupported and unseen by him, which is somewhat hilarious when I say that out loud, and you’ll know why here in a minute.
One thing that I think is the biggest issue here was I had expectations of him just wanting to give up alcohol the same as me, him to be on the same page as me in regards to self-development and working on bigger goals, and he wasn’t there. The attraction shifted. Both of us had gained some weight right after I quit drinking, believe it or not. It was a very interesting time. And I just feel like internally we were on these two different pages.
And the bigger part here that I really want to share, which really stinks to say it out loud, but again, I want to share this because I think it’s going to resonate, is that I was secretly judging him. It’s sad but true. I was thinking about, “I can’t believe that he’s not wanting to do these changes,” and “Look at him making poor choices,” and “How come he’s not coming along with me?” and “Why isn’t he journaling in the morning?” All these sorts of things are going inside my head. So as this resentment is growing in silence, he’s feeling certain things as well. And I think you already said some of those things about one of them, though. You didn’t mention turning 50.
Rob: Yeah, I mean, I was at a point in my life where, again, ever since I’ve been a child, birthdays never meant a lot to me. My birthday never meant a lot to me. But for whatever reason, when I hit my 50th, I was like, “Wow, I’m half of what I’m thinking I might be on this planet.” So that brings a lot of questions. Why am I here? Have I done my job? Am I being the best version of myself that I could be? Or am I just a guy that goes to work every day, comes home, sits on the couch, and watches TV? What does that look like? Yeah, I go to the gym. Yeah, I do all that stuff. But what defines me? Who am I? Why am I here? Is this my purpose?
So those types of questions were going through my head. I think a lot of people at that age start asking themselves that question, because for a lot of us, our work does define us. Our family does define us. However, if you want to grow and expand, it really doesn’t define you. It’s not your life’s work. It’s not what you were sent here to do, right?
So that’s part of the journey that I was secretly on, not articulating that to Kari. And there’s a couple of words that you should hear over and over and over again that are common: change, communication. We weren’t talking. We were not sharing goals, expectations. That wasn’t happening. And we thought, and quite honestly, I thought everything was fine. I really did. I thought everything was fine. Because I’m a “glass is half full” kind of guy. That’s the way I live my life. I’ve always been like that.
If you guys ever seen the movie Silver Linings Playbook, right? There’s a silver lining to every situation that God puts you in. So for me, I’m just like, “We’re going to get through this,” because in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, we’re a unit. It’s Rob and Kari, or Kari and Rob. It’s not just Rob. It’s not just Kari.
But Kari was in a place where it was like Kari’s going this way and Rob’s going this way. And there’s truth to that. However, for me, it was like a bump in the road of growth and maturity.
Kari: Because again, we’re not the same people that we were when we met.
Rob: That’s right.
Kari: Right. We’re not.
Rob: That’s right.
Kari: So that’s very common of long-term marriages, especially because you’re not the same person that you were when you got married. I mean, we were married very young, 20 and 22. And at this point, we’re on our 30th year of marriage when this all came to a head. And I’ll say, Rob was in a serious gray area with multiple places: work, his health, obviously the marriage. His drinking was never really a problem at all. He wasn’t even a gray area drinker. He was very much a take-it-or-leave-it social drinker, unlike me. But there were all these gray areas and it just came to a head.
And honestly, during that time, I was in a gray area obviously with the marriage as well. And working on my self-confidence, because I’m trying to understand, like, how could this be happening? You know, how could we be going in this direction? And it’s so common, and this is why we’re having a tough conversation today and sharing this with you.
So let’s get to the climax of this story, because I ended up going to a retreat in Guatemala. It was a really awesome experience that I got to go on. And I came back from that retreat in the fall of 2019 when I said to Rob, “I don’t want to be married anymore.”
Even though I said those words and they stung hard, I didn’t want a divorce. I just didn’t want that marriage any longer. The people that we were during that timeframe wasn’t working. And I think he knew that deep down, but because his head was buried, it hit him in a different way. And how was that for you when I came home?
Rob: Yeah, so I’ll put a pin in there really quick. Like history, my mind, my life, you know, through my adolescence, through teenage years, even into when we were married, I could tell you three stories about guys thinking everything’s great and their wife comes home and says, “I have to go find myself.” And then they get a divorce. And I’m like, when she told me that, “I’m that guy. How can this be happening to me? This is ridiculous.”
So I was extremely resentful. I was extremely angry. I was not happy and I was hurt, because I’m like, after all we’ve been through together and what we’ve built, that’s all you have to say? Yes. And I’m like, wow.
Yes, so it was very, very difficult. Very difficult for me.
Kari: Yeah, it was a very, very hard time. And again, I didn’t want a divorce. I just didn’t want that version of us at that time.
Rob: And let’s put a pin in that for one second, because the key to that statement is it was never articulated like that. If it was presented to me like, “Hey, we need to make a change,” not like, “I don’t want to be married anymore.” So what was said and then what was heard, right? It, again, the communication was just not truthful and honest and truly where either one of us were coming from in our heart for each other.
Kari: So go ahead.
Rob: Yeah.
Kari: And that was the thing. We were never incompatible. Matter of fact, we’re very compatible. Scary compatible. So it was that we were misreading each other’s intentions and expectations. The expectations is a big piece of this.
And while this was very, very, very difficult, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was to tell my husband how I was truly feeling. And I didn’t hold back. I let it all out. I figured, well, so I threw a bomb at him, might as well throw it all. So we shared a lot of the hurt, a lot of the pain on both sides, the expectations on both sides, and it escalated to a point where we weren’t sure what the future was going to look like. But there was always this deep love there, no matter what, and a deep respect for one another as human beings. And our faith. That’s one thing I will say for sure is that we both have a strong belief in God, and we believe that when you’re married, you do everything you can to stay married. And again, I didn’t want a divorce at all. I just wanted a different version of us.
So the big turning point in all that was we had to find new language to communicate. And right around that time is when I was introduced to my now colleague partners who we do the Intellect Scan together. It’s their company and I was one of the very first coaches to be introduced to this technology and trained on it. And they said back at that time, “Why don’t you both get scanned? We’ll use this technology and we’ll overlay your scans and we’ll show you where your compatibility is.” And I was like, “Sounds like a great idea.” And I have to tell you…
Rob: She’s saying it sounds like a great idea. And I’m like, “Okay, great. Another evaluation. I’ve done this 85 times with 85 different ones. They’re going to tell me the same thing.” Boy, was I wrong. Boy, was I wrong.
Kari: And that’s just it. This is not a personality test. It’s so much more than that. It’s so much more than that. It’s looking at the person in a 3D dimensional way and looking at different traits, motivating traits and behavioral traits, which a lot of tests do look at. But one of the most important ones is cognitive traits and understanding how all of those make up a person and understanding how and why they behave the way that they do, what motivates them, where they’re placing their attention.
And when we have all this information, we can really guide somebody and better understand them. So we said yes to it. And I will tell you that this one opportunity that we had truly was a game changer. We learned things about each other that I had no idea about. Now at this point, I’m married to this guy for 30 years. I’d known him for 32 years up to that point. And there were things about him that I was unsure about. And it was like pulling back a curtain and saying, “Oh my gosh, how did I never see this?” It’s almost like once you see it, you can’t unsee it. It’s always been there and I never had language for it.
And so one of those big revelations for me and him was that his lens in which he views the world and how he sees things is through stability, and being the harmonizer, and being the shock absorber for everybody else, and holding it all together, and being the worker bee, and taking care of all this stuff. Like the steady Eddie guy, right? This big rock.
And I was like, “Oh my gosh, I always said he was my rock, but I never had language for all the other things.” And the reason why he took everything so hard is because he thought he was supporting me. And I’m thinking I’m not being supported, which is ironic. So by the time we got through that… And what did you learn about me that you were like, “Whoa, that was eye-opening”?
Rob: A lot. A lot. But I think for me, the biggest impact out of us reviewing that together was watching the light bulb go off for her to understand me. Honestly.
Kari: That’s true.
Rob: I’m like, “Yep, that’s the person.” She did. It really did a great job peeling back the layers of that onion. And the light bulb, you could just see it, because she was exploring all this stuff. She was understanding it. And I think, again, the heck with what I learned. It was my awareness to what she was learning to help better our relationship and understand me.
And again, there’s a lot of things that I’ve known about my wife that this process really brought out, but I really knew it. But again, her attention to all things aesthetic is like off the charts, okay? The perfectionist, right? But she’s also, there’s nothing that she cannot do. Nothing. No matter what you put in front of her, she’s going to figure it out. But again, I think for my soul, when I saw that, it was literally like a light bulb went off and she had this aura around her. And I’m like, “Wow. Yeah, this is impactful.”
Kari: And I think the thing that was incredible was the empathy that we both had for each other drastically increased, because now we have language to put around how we were feeling and what was missing, and having this new language to create between us that we were able to communicate and share with each other what we needed.
So one of the things that we say in our world at the Intellect Scan is, “That’s the old version of us, and now we get to build the new version of us.” And truly that was the bigger picture here, the more exciting picture, because now we’re on the same page. We had to go through that muck. We had to go through that tough time. We had to experience it in order to be sitting here today to share it with you, and to do the work that we do when I work with couples, so I can help them see this communication in a different way and have the language to put with it so you can understand your partner.
Because when you are married for a long time, 30 years, 20 years, 40 years, whatever, not only does the lifestyle change and the dynamics change and the careers change, you’re not the same person that you were 10 years ago. We’re not the same people we were 10, 15 years ago, thank goodness, right? We keep evolving and growing. That’s the goal here, is for us to become a better version of ourselves every single year. We want to keep getting better at that, to be in a place where you can do that together.
The biggest piece that I want to make sure that I’m saying here is, as badly as I wanted him to come alongside me with quitting drinking, which by the way, we left that part out, he did make the decision in 2019, that same year at the very tail end, he chose to end his relationship with alcohol. Why did you do that, by the way? Because it was not for me. Matter of fact, I said, “Please don’t do it for me.”
Rob: It didn’t. I made a statement when I was 50 that I wanted to get in the best shape of my life. I didn’t do it. I did me, right? And that’s truly, at that time, the path that I was on was, “Right, well, you do you. You do your thing. I’m going to support you 100%, but I’m doing me. And I’m going to do what I want to do.”
I’ve asked your permission. “Are you okay if I have a beer every once in a while?”
Kari: And I said yes, by the way.
Rob: She said yes. So again, the communication was wrong. She should have said, “Yeah, that was going to bother me.”
Kari: It was.
Rob: But to wrap up where we were going with that, I just did my research. And I found out, and I will say the statement and I stand behind it 100%: there is nothing good about alcohol. Period. Period. Don’t let anybody kid you. The glass of wine BS, the this, the that. It’s no good. It is no good. It is killing your body. It’s 100% sugar. Okay. Sugar is the root. It’s the root of all evil, right? And if you’re really on a health journey like I started to get on, to be the best version as I age so I’m going to have a good life, it just was the right decision for me at the time, and it fit our situation.
Kari: He said, “I want to be in the best version of myself when I turned 50.” And I said, “Well, why are you waiting till 50?” “Well, that seems like the best year.” “Okay, great.” So 50 comes. He did nothing. Matter of fact, that’s when he was at his heaviest and the worst in his spirit and his soul. And so part of this jolt, if you will, really helped him see, like, “Oh my gosh, I need to make some changes, and I now want to do it for myself.” And so he made that decision.
And it was another reason why we then were able to really join forces. Because even though he asked me when I quit drinking three years prior, “Hey, are you okay if I continue to drink?” my answer was yes, because I didn’t want to tell him no. He’s a grown man. He can do what he wants. He didn’t have a problem with alcohol. But secretly, I was resenting it. I was not happy about it. I never told him.
So shame on me. This is what happens when you keep quiet, when you’re not truthful with your partner and yourself. The resentment grows and it grows big and it grows deep and long, and it becomes a massive problem. And that’s what happened. It came to a head.
So I want to make sure that I say this, and then we’re going to move on to some questions that you can think about for yourself with your relationship. And that is knowing that you can’t force your partner to make a change. I am asked this repeatedly. Whether it’s people sending me messages privately on LinkedIn or Facebook, whatever, or pulling me on the side if I know them, “Hey, you know, my wife is drinking a lot. I really want her to make some changes. Can you help?”
I said, “I can talk with her, but here’s the thing. Unless she or he is willing to make those changes, it’s not going to go anywhere.”
You have to go through the stages of change. The transtheoretical model of change is a great model to look at, and we’ll talk about that in a future episode. But until someone is ready themselves, it’s very difficult to make that change, because it’s all tied to how you think about yourself, your identity, which we covered that in the last episode.
So when we have this frame of what we believe about ourselves, the stories and the belief systems and our thoughts, and we take all of that and we see how we are through that lens, and back then, “I’m just a drinker. I drink. I’m a wine connoisseur. I’m a wine snob. I know everything there is to know about wine.” That’s who I believed I was. So to say, “Hey, you can’t drink anymore,” if he was like, “Hey, yo, you can’t drink anymore,” which he did at one point, I’m thinking he’s attacking me, right?
So this is why it becomes a very personal problem. And until that person is ready, it’s very difficult. So how do you support your spouse during those times? Let’s talk about some of those hard questions. I don’t want us just to tell our story and not be useful to you.
So one of the biggest questions is, what am I expecting from my spouse that I have never clearly said out loud? What have you expected from your spouse that you haven’t said out loud?
Okay, so some examples, and this is how I felt with Rob, some of these. “I expect you to quit drinking because I did. I expect you to get in shape. I expect you to be more ambitious. I expect you to support me emotionally. I expect you to lead spiritually.” These are all some really common ones that I hear. And then, have you actually said that? Or are you silently grading your partner? If I’m being honest, I said and did all those things myself. And no, I never told him until I came home from Guatemala. So that is a good question to be asking if you are in that.
Kari: And Rob, you are going to ask question number two.
Rob: Yeah, so if you are a man in this situation, you may ask yourself, what pressure am I carrying that she doesn’t see? What am I not saying because I think I should handle it?
So again, in our society, the man carries the weight of the world on his shoulders for his family, right? And he’s not going to share that with anybody because that’s weak. Well, that’s not necessarily the truth. That’s not really the roots of a good marriage. You should be able to share anything with your spouse, who is also your best friend, and be able to communicate that and articulate that in a way that they understand what you’re saying. But that’s hard to do. It’s hard to do because you don’t necessarily want to, because you may look weak.
And you know, a lot of people withdraw because they feel overwhelmed, inadequate, behind, or unsure of the next move. So do you feel like that?
Of course. It’s part of… I like to say yes, because it’s part of challenging yourself to grow. If you’re feeling like that, it’s an invitation to get better and grow. And there’s a way to do it.
Kari: Here’s question number three. And this again is one that I experienced. It’s not comfortable, but we’re here to have uncomfortable conversations. The question you can ask is, are you still attracted to the person your spouse is becoming? Are you attracted to that spouse?
And I’m not talking just physically, although that’s hugely important, because let’s face it, you know, you’re married. You want to have some intimacy with your partner, hopefully. And if you’re not physically attracted, that makes it very difficult. But besides on that side of the fence, I’m also talking about emotionally and energetically and spiritually.
And then flip this. Flip the question. Would you be attracted to the version of you?
Rob: And that’s where it starts. And again, I have to say, if you look at yourself in the mirror and you’re good, you’re good. You’re good. This is not about, you know, physical. It’s really about mental. We may be okay with what’s on the outside, but we’re really struggling with something on the inside.
Kari: Yeah. That’s a big, big piece of this that I think we in our society don’t like to talk about.
Rob: Yeah. We’ll say more of the physical stuff because it’s honestly, it’s easier.
Kari: It truly is.
So gaps don’t close by remaining silent. You have to be willing to do this with conversation.
Let’s talk about the conversation that you are avoiding. What conversation is that? Truly. What truth are you afraid to say to them? And what are you scared will happen if you do say it? Because listen, most couples don’t fall apart because of conflict. They fall apart because they avoid it. And that’s the truth.
Another really great way to approach that is, there’s something that I want to share with you. Is now a good time for you to be able to receive that? And ask for permission. You always want to ask for permission before you start in on a deep conversation. You want to set that tone.
All right, let’s talk about a couple areas that you can start to improve on. But I really want you just to focus on one that you know is a massive issue right now in your relationship. Is it that you have a disconnect with your health and your body? Is it your faith? Is it the communication? Is that the main problem? Usually that is. Does it have something to do with finances? Is it as simple as date nights that you’re not having, those times together? Does it have anything to do with you guys working out together, or your physical connection in that way?
Because when you can have those conversations and you can begin to talk about those shared small wins together, you’re going to be able to rebuild that connection.
And really, this is all about you. Your voice and how you feel is up to you. You have full agency over how you want to approach this with your spouse. And when you’re open and honest, it’s going to go well. And when you’re closed off, it’s not going to be so great.
Being married in your 50s is more than maintenance at times. It should be that we are starting to finally chill and really enjoy the fruits of our labor for all these decades that we’ve been working and getting ready for retirement. And it is a great decade, and it’s a way to get recalibrated to one another and get prepared for what’s ahead. But if you don’t recalibrate together, you’re doing it apart. And that’s just an honest statement. So I encourage you to lean in.
I also wanted to share that if you were interested in learning more about the Intellect Scan and a service that I offer called the His, Hers, and Ours, which is exactly what Rob and I went through back in 2020 to really save our marriage and help us communicate and understand each other, is exactly what I offer to my clients now. I will put a link in the show notes. You can visit my website and see more about that. Honestly, book a call and we’ll talk and we’ll see if it’s a good fit for you and your spouse.
And I promise you, if you do it, it will be one of the most eye-opening, unbelievable experiences that you will ever have. It’s not therapy. We’re truly looking at facts, and we’re understanding language and how you two can communicate, and looking at the diversity, the intellectual diversity of the two of you, and how we can intertwine that to make you stronger, to create a new us, a new version of you and your spouse. It’s an incredible thing.
Rob, I want to sum all this up, this whole episode, together by asking you a question. If you could tell that version of yourself back then one thing, what would it be?
Rob: Be curious. Ask more questions. Be willing to grow.
Kari: Yeah, I like that. I like that. Especially the curiosity part, because again, if I was on a different path of growth at that time…
Rob: And my wife came home and said, “You know, I’m really not happy with our marriage,” and I was more mature in the spot than I’m in now, I would have been like, “Well, tell me about that. It doesn’t resonate with me. I’m not understanding it. Let’s just break that down,” right? Instead of me getting angry and defensive and hurt and all that other stuff.
And I didn’t have the tools in the toolbox to do it at the time. I had them. I knew of them. But I just wasn’t present in that space of growth and continual learning.
Kari: Yes. And I think that’s one thing I know for sure the Intellect Scan did help us with, because now we have languaging that we can help each other grow in a way that we are doing it collaboratively.
So to sum all this up, I want to share that growth doesn’t mean you have to think about separating or growing apart from your partner. It’s a matter of getting clear. The more clear you can be, the faster you can bridge this gap, and you can have the life that you truly want. Because my goal for you is to know that there truly is life beyond the gray.
Thank you so much for joining us. We hope that this episode blessed you and that you will find a way forward. Thank you for listening.
Beyond the Gray – Episode Three
Why Willpower Isn’t Working (Its an Identity Problem)
If you close your eyes for a second and you think about who you were 10 years ago, can you see that you’re not the same person that you were? I bet you, if you’re honest, your beliefs have changed or shifted. Your priorities may have shifted. Your relationships may have disappeared or created new ones. And maybe your confidence has shifted along the way. But here’s the real question. Who are you becoming? And I’m talking now. Who are you becoming now?
And are your current habits aligned with the future version that you want for yourself? Stay with me on today’s episode, because by the end of this, you will understand how identity, not willpower, drives every behavior in your life, and how to intentionally shift it.
Welcome back to Beyond the Gray. In this episode, we are talking all about identity. And here’s what you’re going to walk away with. Why identity drives every habit that you have. Why changing behavior without changing your identity never sticks. And how you’ve already evolved in your life, even if you don’t see it. And how to consciously step into the next version of yourself today.
Yes, this applies to alcohol, but it also applies to other areas of your life. And I’m talking about your health, your discipline for yourself, your marriage and your relationships, your leadership, your faith, your energy and how you show up. And yes, your retirement years. This is way bigger than wine or alcohol or any habit you’re doing. This is about your story.
I want to share something personal with you. Alcohol wasn’t this huge thing in my younger years. Although I did end up having alcohol poisoning when I was 12 years old. I kid you not, I had 12 shots of Seagram’s 7 on my 12th birthday. And I can’t believe that I didn’t die. It was ridiculous. And God bless my sister. She told my mom that the flu was going around school, and I got away with it. But did I really get away with it? I don’t know.
But I will tell you what it did for me. Having that experience helped me realize that alcohol was something I didn’t really want to be messing with in my younger years. So I didn’t actually start drinking until I was in college, to a point where, you know, like most college kids would drink, right? But it wasn’t until I became a food and beverage manager at a country club that it became a part of my identity.
I was sampling wine. I was the main wine buyer for the club at that time, pairing it with the chef’s specials, talking about wine all the time. And somewhere along the way, I adopted the identity of “I’m a wine girl.” More like “I’m a wine connoisseur” or “a wine snob.” One of the three, they all worked. I even built a lifestyle of decisions around this. We went to Napa and Sonoma Valley for our 25th wedding anniversary. I started a wine club in my neighborhood. We’d have neighborhood tastings. Everything was surrounding my love of wine.
And it all felt so elevated and sophisticated. And honestly, it felt like me. But here’s what I didn’t realize at the time: that this wasn’t just a behavior. This was a self-concept. And I would say, “Well, this is just what I do.” And anytime you say that phrase, “This is just what I do,” you’re describing your identity.
Now here’s the part that matters for you. We all tell ourselves stories about ourselves. Like maybe you’ve said, “I’m not a morning person,” or “I’m really bad at confrontation,” or “I just have a sweet tooth, I love sweets,” or “I just unwind with a drink,” or “I’m not really a gym person,” or “I’m just wired this way.” Whenever we repeat something long enough, your brain builds around it.
This is neurological science. Your brain wires around repetition, and what wires together fires together. And that belief is followed by thoughts and your feelings and actions, or your behavior. And then that gets reinforced and it solidifies this decision that you’ve made about yourself, and therefore it becomes your identity. It’s like this big circle that happens inside of our brain.
And once that identity is locked in, behavior feels automatic. And this is why it’s not just about the alcohol. It’s about when you say, “I’m just not disciplined with my body.” Or “I’m the husband who says, this is just how our marriage is. We only have intimate relations twice a month.” “I’m just a leader that doesn’t have time to work out, right? I don’t have time to go to the gym.” Or the retiree who says, “It’s too late for me to change now,” or “It’s too late for me to change careers. My time is over.” Those are identity statements, and identity drives action.
So let’s pause for just a second here, because I know I’m going pretty deep, and I want to kind of recap what we’ve just talked about. We identified how identity is formed. We saw how repeating the same thing to yourself wires into a belief, and how behaviors become self-concepts, and how that self-concept can feel very permanent. But here’s the good news. It is not.
And I want to talk to you about what you can now do about knowing this, because here’s the thing. You’re not the same person that you were 10 years ago, right? That’s proof that identity is not fixed. And when you think about 10 years ago, and like really picture it here for a moment. Where were you living? What were you worrying about back then? What mattered to you? And are those the exact same concerns that you have today? I bet you no. You’ve evolved, and you didn’t even realize that you were doing it along the way.
Now let’s fast forward 10 years. You’re in your 60s or 70s, or maybe you’re in your 50s by this point. Maybe you’re even retired. What does that version of you look like? How does that person move? How does he think and show up and lead? How is he sleeping and treating his body? And are your current habits right now building this man, or sabotaging him? That’s the question that I really want you to ask yourself.
And I know when you think about changing, it can feel a little daunting. It can almost be a little scary. And change isn’t scary because you’re weak or something’s wrong with you. It’s scary because you’re shedding this identity that’s been such a part of you.
I’ll never forget working with one of my very favorite clients. And he would tell me all the time, “I’m just a really anxious person. I’ve always been anxious.” And I said, “Starting today, we’re not using that language anymore. That’s done. No more are you saying that you’re anxious. You’re no longer that person. We’re going to adopt that you are a confident person.” And yes, of course we’re going to have worries as a human being. That’s just how we’re made. But when we adopt the identity upfront and we believe it, it becomes a part of us.
And the other reason why people have a problem with this upfront, though, is because identity can actually feel safe. Because you’ve been telling yourself this story for so long and you believe it, and it actually becomes an excuse. It becomes part of the victim mentality. “Well, I’ve always been this way.” That’s limiting. You don’t want to have a limiting mindset. You want to have an expansive mindset.
So when I stopped drinking, I wasn’t just removing the wine. I literally had to get really honest with myself and ask, “Who am I without this?” And if you heard episode two, I talked about that. I was so worried that my life would be over because I didn’t have wine in it. What? That’s like crazy. But that’s the uncomfortable part that most people avoid, because they don’t want that uncomfortable feeling, like, “How am I going to do my life without this?”
Because what happens if you don’t actually like that new version of yourself? Like, what if it’s awkward? Or if you outgrow certain people? That’s a huge concern for a lot of people, like the people that you hang out with now. So if you decide to quit drinking, does that mean that you’ve outgrown the people that you’re currently with? Maybe. And what happens when you’ve got to set boundaries? So all these future-thinking things of worry, my goodness.
No wonder people are afraid to make a shift, because it requires courage. But so does stagnation. And here’s what I want to share here. It’s not what you give up. It’s what you gain. The only thing is, you can’t see it. You don’t see it in the moment because you’re in this current bubble of who you are right now. But what you don’t see on the other side of that is this incredible human that has expanded into this version that you didn’t even know existed.
And that’s why the Decide Method is so powerful, because it’s not behavior first. It’s all about identity first. And let me just do a recap. If you’re unfamiliar with the Decide Method, it’s my own methodology that was created, God-inspired. I will say God-inspired, years ago. And it starts with having a desire to make a change.
It’s an acronym, by the way. So the first D is desire. You have to have something inside of you that says, “This is not enough. I need to make a change. I want to make a change.” And then the E is exploring your why. Why is this actually something that’s important to you? What’s driving you? Because once you explore your why, you have this foundation that you can build off of.
And then the C is having commitment to yourself. We talked about that in the last episode. It’s not motivation, it’s commitment. And then the I in Decide, yes, we’ve been talking about it this whole episode. It’s about the identity shift. We have to be willing to do this pivot. We have to be willing to buy into the future version of ourselves that we’re trying to get to, especially if you don’t like some things that you’re doing in your life right now.
The second D is daily habits. Once we have that identity shift, we have to build the right habits around this new identity. And then we have to execute with effort every single day, which is the last E. And all that creates the version of you that you actually desire and strive to be.
So when you think about this 10-year version of yourself, you don’t have to wait to feel different. You decide. You decide by speaking powerful words and declaring for yourself now. “I am becoming a man who…” fill in the blank. “I am becoming a man who is successful and fulfilled without having a drink in my life. I am someone who doesn’t need any substances to help me relax and be comfortable with where I’m at. I am someone who is willing to work on my marriage so I can keep this relationship alive.” And I no longer identify as the former version of yourself.
When I decided to quit drinking, I didn’t say that I’m an alcoholic or that I had a serious problem with drinking. I just said, “I’m a non-drinker now.” I used to smoke years ago, and same thing. I don’t say that I’m a former smoker. I’m a non-smoker. I’m a non-drinker. I’m alcohol-free. That’s what I say.
So a lot of what you believe about yourself is coming out of your own mouth, as we discovered. That’s neuroscience. The more we do that, the more we say things and believe it to be true, it becomes true. And if you’re a Bible believer, you know that the Bible talks a lot about this as well, that what we speak over our life becomes reality in our life.
So if identity is the engine to all of this, what does that mean practically for you? It means you don’t attack habits first. You define who you’re becoming. That’s where we start.
As a matter of fact, when I first start working with any client, I have them do two things. I have them start by writing out on paper who they are right now. How would they describe themselves? And then I ask them to write who they wish to be a year or five years from now. Typically, when I’m working with someone one-on-one, I’ll go a year out. But for you, you might want to think about five or ten years out. Who is it that you actually want to be?
And then you have to align this new identity and the habits to coincide with that new version. And this, my friend, applies to everything. To drinking, overeating, overworking, avoiding conflict, working on your marriage, right? Staying silent or being passive or staying comfortable. You’re not changing a habit. You’re updating a self-concept about you. And once that self-concept changes, guess what follows? Your behavior. It’s amazing.
So here’s what I want you to do this week. I would love for you to take me up on this. I want you to write this sentence down. Or if you’re on the treadmill or you’re driving, you could remember it and come back to it. But you start with, “Ten years from now,” or “Five years from now,” whatever time frame you want, “I am a man,” or woman if you’re listening, “who…” Fill in the blank. Finish it and take your time with it. Be very specific here.
And then ask yourself, what does that man do today? Because if there’s a huge discrepancy here, that’s where the change needs to begin. This isn’t with any shame whatsoever. You’re just doing a fact check on yourself, right? It’s with vision. We’re looking ahead.
And I also want to say, if this conversation has hit something deep for you and you’re realizing, “Wow, this isn’t just about alcohol or discipline. It really is about identity,” I would love to explore that with you. I keep all conversations private and direct. And if you want to take it deeper, there’ll be a link in the show notes for you to book a call. It’s just finding that clarity and being willing to see the truth for you in your life.
You are not stuck with the version of you that got you here. You are allowed to evolve. In fact, growth at this stage of life demands it. Time is not slowing down, right? Things are changing rapidly in this world as we know it. And if you’re listening to this and something in you is already shifting, I want you to reach out, or do this assignment, and at least take the time for yourself to really think this through.
In the next episode, we’re going to take a little bit of a turn. I’m going to have my husband Rob with me next week, and we are going to be all about what happens when one partner decides they want to make a change and the other one doesn’t. This is something that I am asked all the time, and Rob and I went through that experience when I decided to quit drinking and he didn’t, and what came up for me during that time. I’ll give you a hint: there was a lot of resentment.
So we’re going to be honest and open with you and we’re going to share our story next week. I hope you’ll be there. I’ll see you then. Thank you for listening. And remember, there’s always a time and a place for you to get out of the gray. And that’s why this is called Beyond the Gray, because that’s where I want to take you. Thank you for listening, and I’ll see you in the next episode.
Beyond the Gray – Episode Two
Why You Keep Going Back to Drinking (And How to Stop) | The Power of the Pause
You ever notice how it’s never really the drink? Like, you’re not standing in your kitchen at 6:30 p.m. thinking, “Wow, I can’t wait to taste this bourbon.” No, what you’re really thinking is, “I’m done. I’m exhausted, and I don’t want to deal with anyone. I don’t want to have to think, and I don’t want to have to feel.” And the drink becomes the fastest way to shut it all down.
That’s what most people don’t understand about gray area drinking. It’s not about the alcohol. It’s about the relief. And if you’ve been trying to fix the drinking without understanding what’s driving it, you’re going to keep ending up in the same place. So today we’re talking about something simple, but it might be the most powerful tool you ever learn. It’s the pause, the moment where you stop and you question the drink.
Welcome back to episode two of Beyond the Gray. And if you’ve already listened to episode one, you already know what we’re doing here. This isn’t a sobriety podcast or a moderation tips podcast. I’m not here to slap labels on you. There’s other programs out there that will do that. This is a podcast for men, and yes, women too, who are living in that space where life looks really good on paper, but something feels off. And drinking has become part of that routine, part of the coping, and the autopilot.
And the reason why I want to talk to you about this today is because I know what it’s like to be stuck in that loop where you keep telling yourself, “Tonight, I’m not drinking.” And then somehow you end up with a drink in your hand and you don’t even know how it happened. It just feels like the decision was made well before you even got home. And so today I want to give you something practical. Not motivational, but something real that you can put into use. Because you don’t need any more shame, you need a better strategy. And that’s what I hope to provide for you. So stick with me all the way to the end and you’ll find out exactly how to do this.
Here’s the one thing that I want you to know: most people think that alcohol is the issue, but alcohol is rarely the actual issue. Alcohol is the solution your brain has been using to deal with something else. And I want to say this carefully because I don’t want to sound like you’re sitting in a therapist chair, but I do want you to hear. Most of your behaviors are not driven by logic. They’re driven by emotion. They’re driven by discomfort, the stress and the pressure and the resentment and the loneliness and the boredom of feeling unseen or feeling unappreciated, feeling like you’ve done everything right and yet you’re still not satisfied.
Your brain doesn’t care about your long-term goals when it’s uncomfortable. Your brain cares about one thing, and that’s relief right now. That’s why this is so hard for high performers, because you can be disciplined in business, you can be disciplined with your schedule, and you can be disciplined with your finances, and still feel completely powerless at 7 p.m. when your nervous system is fried and you’re trying to chill out at home. And that’s exactly when the autopilot starts to kick in.
Let me talk to you a little bit about science, because I know this is important to understand, and it’s not just you. A lot of people blame themselves because they think they’re weak. They think, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I control this?” As a matter of fact, I’m working with a client that recently started with me, and he has said repeatedly, “I just need to fix my weak mindset.” In which I have said, “We’re not going to use that language anymore,” because every time we do, it actually reinforces having this type of mindset. It’s not the mindset that’s the issue here.
What is actually happening is that your brain is a pattern machine. It constantly is trying to save energy. And the more you repeat a behavior, the more automatic it becomes. There’s a reason people say it’s just a habit, because it literally is a habit. There’s plenty of research out there showing that habit formation takes an average of about 66 days. Not 21, that’s a myth. It’s actually closer to two months of repetition before your brain locks it in as default.
So if you’ve been drinking for 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, your brain has been practicing that pathway thousands of times. The “stress equals drink” pathway is basically a superhighway inside your brain. And that’s why you can easily go from “I’m not drinking tonight, I’m choosing not to drink tonight” to finding out a few hours later that you’ve got a glass in your hand, because your brain is trying to conserve the energy. It’s going with what’s familiar. And familiar feels safe, even when it’s destructive.
That’s why this doesn’t feel like a choice sometimes, because it’s not happening at a conscious level anymore. It’s happening at the habit level, and this nervous system level, and more importantly, at the identity level.
Let me tell you something I did years ago. I remember doing one of those really strict 30-day crazy diets where alcohol wasn’t allowed. It was one of those diets where you’re only allowed 500 calories a day. Yes, I’m not kidding. And honestly, I was doing okay on it. I mean, sure, I was hungry, and I was being good. I wasn’t drinking. I was really proud of myself.
And I remember one night we ended up going to a neighborhood wine club, which ironically I had started a couple of years prior, and I wasn’t drinking. I sat there with my water and I did pretty good. I stayed strong. But the honest truth was, the entire time I kept thinking, “I cannot wait until these 30 days are up and I can get back to my wine.” Not because I actually missed the taste, but because my brain was already living in the future. “When can I have it again? How many more days do I have? How many more weeks do I have?”
And that’s exactly what a lot of people do with Dry January or a 30-day reset or a cleanse. They white-knuckle it. But the whole time, their brain is negotiating. Maybe you’ve been there too.
But here’s the truth. If your brain is counting down until you can drink again, you’re not changing the habit. You’re just delaying it. And I say that with so much compassion, because obviously I did it too, on several occasions. But my friend, that’s not freedom. That’s delayed gratification with loads of resentment, and it almost always ends the same way. Not good.
And this is where it gets interesting, because what I’ve learned, and what behavioral psychology supports, is that most people aren’t reacting to the outside world. They’re reacting to what’s happening inside them. That’s the internal trigger.
You don’t drink because this one or that one is annoying. You drink because of what it’s triggering inside you. You don’t drink because your wife said something sharp at you and you didn’t like it. You drink because of what it stirred up in you. You don’t drink because you had a long day. You drink because your nervous system is overstimulated and you don’t know how to come down.
So if you want to change the habit, we have to start understanding the trigger, because alcohol is often the escape hatch. And here’s what that looks like in real life. You walk in the door and you tell yourself, “I’m fine,” but you’re not fine. You’re tense, you’re irritated, you’re depleted. And then your brain says, “Hey, let’s fix this.” And it reaches for the fastest solution it knows, because it’s worked for a very long time.
There was a time years ago, in my 40s, when I decided to cut back. I was serious about it too. I had had enough of drinking and I just wanted to take a break. I was sick of the cycle every weekend. Drink like way too much and then pay for it the rest of the week. And we were hanging out with a fairly new, older, newer couple that we had become friends with. They were so much fun. They really were. But the guy was such a party guy, like he was that guy, you know who I’m talking about, who just could drink everybody under the table. He never had the off switch and he kept pushing drinks.
And I told him upfront, “Listen, I’m not drinking. I just need to take a couple of days or a week off or a couple of weeks off.” And he said, “Come on, just have one. You know, you have a friend like this, right? Come on, don’t be boring.” And I remember thinking, “I don’t even really want this.” But guess what? I did it anyway. And what’s really crazy is here I am, a 40-plus-year-old grown woman, making decisions that I don’t even want to really make.
So I folded. I folded not because I needed it, because I wanted to not feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be the odd one out. I didn’t want to be the person making it awkward for everybody else. So I caved. And in that moment, it taught me something huge: that sometimes we drink not because we actually want the alcohol, but because we don’t want discomfort. And discomfort comes in a lot of forms. Social discomfort, emotional discomfort, identity discomfort, the discomfort of standing alone, and how about the discomfort of saying no?
I’ll give you a client example here too, because this is more common than we’d like to admit. I had a client, I’m going to call him Chase, just for confidentiality reasons. Really great guy. High performer, super successful, loved by everyone he talked to. He wanted to quit drinking more than anything. He knew he felt better without it when he wasn’t drinking. He knew that it was affecting his mood, his sleep, his business, everything, but he kept slipping back.
And it wasn’t because he lacked willpower, no. It was because he was in a marriage that was emotionally draining. His wife drank heavily and she was instigating a lot of it when he got home. The dynamic was complicated on both sides. She had her set of things going on in her life that she was trying to deal with, but when he didn’t drink, she took it personally. And then when he tried to change, she pushed back.
And the irony here, he was drinking to cope with his marriage that he wasn’t happy in. And so he stayed stuck in this loop. The marriage stress turned into the drink, the drink turned into shame, that shame turned into massive resentment, which ended up in, you guessed it, drinking again. And the breakthrough didn’t happen when he tried harder. No, it happened when he finally got honest about what the drinking was doing for him. It was buffering him from the truth. It was keeping him from the truth. That’s why he couldn’t stop. Not because he was weak.
It was because he was avoiding the pain and the discomfort of having the tough conversations that needed to be had with his wife.
So here’s where we go from awareness to action, because we’ve got to know what to do when we’re in these situations. And this is where “Question the Drink” and the concept really matters. By the way, Question the Drink is a movement that I created back in 2019 to really ask and plea with people. It was more of my cry to them. You don’t have to necessarily quit drinking, although I’m an advocate for it as you know, but just to question why you’re drinking. Just to take that pause.
Because most people try to change their drinking at the wrong moment. They make those decisions when they’re calm and when they’re motivated and when they’re inspired. But the real moment of truth, the real moment that it happens, is in the moment that the urge hits. And that urge is almost always tied to discomfort.
So here’s a practice that I want you to try. When you feel the urge to drink, instead of judging yourself, and instead of negotiating, going down that rabbit hole, instead of saying, “I shouldn’t want this,” you pause and you ask a better question. Not “Should I drink?” but “What am I trying to relieve right now?” Because that’s the real question. And when you ask that question, you interrupt the autopilot. You take back control.
Now I want to leave you something tactical. This is one of the best tools I’ve found, and it works because it respects your brain. It’s very simple. When the urge hits, you say, “Not now, in 10 minutes.” That’s it. Not forever. Not “I’m quitting for life.” Not “I’m never drinking again.” Just “Not now, in 10 minutes.” Because your brain can handle 10 minutes.
And what happens is this. Most urges are going to peak and fade like a wave. They don’t last forever. You know this, you’ve gone through this before. You know you can ride this wave. They get intense, yes, but eventually they will pass. And if you can surf the urge or ride the wave, you don’t have to obey it.
So when you pause, here’s what you do. You set a timer for 10 minutes. You drink some water. You go outside. You take some deep, cleansing breaths. You do literally anything that shifts your body. Tony Robbins calls this changing your state of being. When you can literally pick yourself up and change your state of being by moving your body, or listening to music, or going outside, you will literally move yourself into a different state of being. What I call moving from a protective state into an expansive state.
And while you’re taking this break, while you’re waiting that 10 minutes, I want you to ask yourself a very important question. What am I feeling right now? What is it that you’re actually experiencing as a feeling? What’s happening? Is it stress? Is it resentment? Is it loneliness, overwhelm, boredom? And then I want you to ask, after you name it, I want you to ask yourself, “What do I actually need? What do I actually need in this moment?”
Because it’s usually not alcohol. It’s often rest, or space, or connection, or movement like we just talked about, or it’s just internal peace that you’re striving for. And maybe it’s the courage to have a hard conversation, like we just talked about with that client. Find out what that is for you. Take a moment to tune in. Again, you’re giving yourself the pause. You’re giving yourself the moment to question the drink, or question any behavior that you’re doing.
Now this is where I want to teach you something that I use with my clients, because it’s huge. A lot of people fail because they set goals that their nervous system can’t yet handle. They say, “I’m quitting forever,” and their brain panics. It goes into panic mode, like, “What? Forever?” Because you know what? Forever feels like a death. It feels like deprivation. Forever feels like an identity loss. I remember when I quit drinking, I thought I was burying my best friend, wine. I kid you not, it sounds very dramatic, but that’s honestly how I felt.
So you don’t want to think about forever. Instead of setting a goal, I want you to set an intention. Here’s why. Goals are future-based. Intentions are present-based. Goals say, “I’m quitting forever.” Intentions say, “You know what? Today, I’m choosing clarity.”
Today, I’m choosing sleep. Today, I’m choosing myself. Today, I’m choosing leadership. Today, I’m choosing not to drink. Today, I’m choosing to show up for my kids. Today, I’m being present for my wife. Today, I’m going to be the best version of myself that I possibly can be. Today, I’m going to smile at people. That’s powerful, because the brain can handle today. And when you stack enough todays, you build a new identity.
And this ties directly into the Decide Method, which we’ll go over deeper in a later episode. But the short version of the Decide Method is this. Desire is a catalyst of all change. If you have the desire to make the change, you will start that process. Habits are the structure, and effort is a consistency. Identity needs to happen in shift. And when we do all this, we have the commitment to ourselves to do it. And this, my friend, is what high performers understand. Because you don’t build things in one day. You didn’t build your business in one day. You built it with daily decisions. It’s the same thing here.
So here’s what I want you to walk away with today. The next time you feel the urge, I want you to ask these three questions.
Number one: What am I feeling right now? And name it. There’s a great resource that you can just Google. It’s called the Feelings Wheel. There’s multiple different types of feelings out there, but they’re all pretty much the same. You’ll see six core emotions and then several feelings that come off of each of those emotions. When you can name that feeling, it will literally start to loosen its grip. When you can actually see it and you can name it, it very much will help you. So name the feeling. What are you feeling right now?
Number two: What am I trying to escape? Be honest here. What are you trying to run away from, or move away from the discomfort?
Number three: What would actually help me right now? I really want you to think about that. What would actually help you? And it’s not the alcohol, okay? It’s usually the alcohol, but it’s not.
And then I want you to take it one step further. Use that 10-minute rule. Give yourself the space, because space creates choice, and choice creates freedom.
So let me leave you with this. If you’ve been stuck in this cycle, it doesn’t mean that you lack discipline. It means that your brain has been trained to chase relief, and you can retrain it. It starts with one moment, one pause, one decision to stop reacting and start responding.
That’s what it means to question the drink. Not because you’re weak, not because you’re asleep and you’re just waking up. If you’re here listening to this right now, you’re already doing it. I’m really proud of you. Thank you for listening.
In episode three, we’re going to go much deeper, because we’re going to be talking about the identity shift. Who you become when you stop using alcohol as your off switch, and why most people relapse when things start getting better. It’s more common than you may think, and I don’t want that for you.
Now, if you want a tool that will help you get clear on where you’re living in the gray, I created something free called the Gray Area Audit. It takes about 15 minutes, that’s it, and it will help you see where alcohol may be affecting your health, your relationships, your purpose, and your internal alignment. There’s no pressure with this or gimmicks, I promise. It’s just clarity. I’ll link it in the show notes in case you wish to download it.
Be sure to subscribe, and I’ll see you in the next episode.
Beyond the Gray – Episode One
You’re Not an Alcoholic… But You’re Not Fine Either | The Truth About Gray Area Drinking Over 50
Let me guess. You’re not an alcoholic. Not drinking in the morning, and you’re not missing work. You’re not getting any DUIs either, and you’re not falling apart. And yet, you’re also not fine, because if you were, you wouldn’t be here right now. So if you ever told yourself, “I’m not that bad,” but you also know, “This is not who I want to be anymore,” welcome. You’re in the right place.
All right, welcome to episode one of Beyond the Gray. I am so glad that you are here, because I’m going to say something right out of the gate that most people won’t say out loud. Some of the most successful people I’ve worked with are the ones who feel the most confused. You would never know it by looking at them, because their life is not falling apart. It looks so good from the outside, just like mine did when I was in the gray area. And yet there’s something inside that is off. And a lot of times they can’t put their finger on it.
And that is exactly what this podcast is about. This isn’t a sobriety podcast. It’s not AA. It’s not a “Hey, you’re broken” conversation and you have to go to a meeting for the rest of your life. It’s none of those things. This is very much a clarity podcast. It’s about all gray areas, not just gray area drinking. And today I want to talk about the one thing that I think a lot of people need to hear: that you don’t need a rock bottom in your life to admit something is off. You just need honesty.
A lot of times we wait for the bottom to fall out before we decide we’re going to make a change, or that we have to make a change. And I really want you to know that you don’t have to wait for those moments. As a matter of fact, it’s a superpower for you to zone in on your truth right out of the gate. And that’s what I’m hoping to accomplish for you today.
So gray area drinking, since that’s our main gray area today, I want to share: it is not alcoholism. It is not a severe dependency either. It’s that space where you’re still functioning really well, but you’re drinking more than you want to admit. Maybe it is the nightly wine when you get home from work or from a long day. Or maybe it’s the bourbon that you’re liking and it’s a treat for you. Or maybe it’s the weekend blow-off-steam routine that you have with friends and it’s the easy excuse because here comes the weekend.
Maybe it’s the business dinners that turn into three drinks when you set out to only have one. Maybe it’s the golf trips that you’re doing on the weekends or with the guys. Or it could be that vacation mindset that never really ends. It just keeps continuing even when you get home.
And here’s the really interesting part about all this: that most people in the gray area are doing so well in life. Maybe that’s you. You’re leading well. You’re providing for your family. You’re showing up. You’re bringing home the money to pay for everything, and you’re the best provider there is. You’re handling responsibilities well. But you also know that something’s not right. You’re not operating at your absolute best.
You’re not sleeping as well. You’re not as sharp. Your energy isn’t what it used to be. Your body feels heavier than ever. Your motivation is off. Your patience is starting to thin. Your marriage feels, well, flat at best. Not horrible, just not alive with passion like it once was. And the worst part is you can’t put your finger on why.
Why is this happening? So you keep doing what you’ve always done. You keep drinking like it’s normal, because it’s not destroying your life, but it’s also not helping you either. That’s the gray area.
Okay, let’s take a deep breath. Whew, that was a lot. I want to address the elephant in the room now, because something happens after the age of 50. And if you’re listening and you’re 52, 57, 61, 69, whatever age, you already know what I’m talking about here, because it’s like life changes overnight. Your body doesn’t recover the same. Your sleep gets really sensitive. Your stress tolerance changes. Oh my gosh, let’s not even address the hormone shifts that happen. And your metabolism slows down, and alcohol hits so much harder.
It’s not just a drink. It becomes a multiplier. It multiplies fatigue and inflammation and anxiety. And it multiplies weight gain. What’s up with that, by the way? And it multiplies emotional distance with those that we love. And what used to feel like a reward is starting to feel like a problem.
And here’s what most people do instead of addressing it. They negotiate. They negotiate with themselves. Does this sound familiar? “I’ll only drink on the weekends. I’ll only drink socially. I’ll only have two. I’ll do a Dry January.” And then they feel proud until they slide back into the same cycle, and then the shame creeps in because you’re thinking, “How can I run a business but I can’t control this? How can I lead people but I can’t lead myself? Why do I keep going back?” That’s what I want to unpack today.
Because here’s the truth. Most people don’t drink because they love alcohol. Really, I want you to think back to the very first time that you had a drink. You didn’t like it. I mean, think about it. It might have been when you were a teenager, but most likely you didn’t like the taste of it. You tolerated the taste. That’s not why most of us drink as we get older with all this stress and everything in our life.
We drink because we love what alcohol does. It takes the edge off. It does. It works. It quiets the noise. It shuts down the overthinking inside of our head. And the best part, it gives you that temporary off switch that we’re looking for.
And this is where I want to bring in something that really hit me most recently. I was listening to a behavioral expert named Nir Eyal. Maybe you’ve heard of him. He wrote a book called Indistractable, so good. And he said something that stopped me. He said, “Distraction isn’t something that happens to you. It’s something you do.” And then he went on to say, “Most distractions are driven by internal triggers, not external ones.”
Meaning, it’s not your phone, it’s not the world, it’s not your job. It’s the discomfort that you’re trying to escape. And when I heard that, I thought, oh my gosh, that is exactly what gray area drinking is.
Alcohol isn’t the real issue. It’s the tool that you’re using to escape internal discomfort.
One more time for those in the back. It’s the tool that you’re using to escape internal discomfort. The stress, the pressure, the boredom, the loneliness, resentment, emptiness, disconnection. Oh my gosh, alcohol becomes such a great solution for that, but it’s not a healthy one. But it feels like an easy one in the moment.
So if you’ve been thinking, “Why do I keep doing this?” it’s because alcohol is serving a purpose. It’s doing a job. And until you figure out what job it’s doing, you’re going to keep going back.
Let’s talk about science just for a moment. I don’t want to bore you, but I do want to help you stop blaming yourself, okay? Alcohol is a depressant. So when you drink, you feel relaxed. But here’s the part that most people don’t realize. Alcohol doesn’t improve sleep. It sedates you. That’s a huge difference, because while you might fall asleep faster, alcohol disrupts deep sleep and REM sleep.
That means your brain doesn’t fully recover the way that it needs to. Your body doesn’t fully restore itself. And then as the alcohol leaves your system, your nervous system rebounds. And that rebound can increase cortisol. It can spike adrenaline. It can raise your heart rate. And suddenly you’re waking up at night. Your mind is racing. Your anxiety is louder than it was yesterday, and you don’t even know why.
So you wake up feeling like you got hit by a truck again, even if you only had just a couple of drinks. And that is why so many people over 50 start saying, “Why is alcohol affecting me like this now?” Because your body is different. Your nervous system is different now. And what used to feel like relief is now creating the very anxiety that you’re trying to escape. And nobody tells you that.
Now this is where it gets deeper. Hang in there with me. Because if you’re listening, you might be thinking, “Okay, sure, I know. Sleep and cortisol and hormones, got it.” But you know there’s more, because you didn’t come here just for health tips. You came here because you actually feel something.
And most people don’t want to admit this out loud, but I’m going to say it anyway. Some of the most successful men I’ve coached carry such a deep guilt. Not because they’ve done something wrong, but because they’ve built a great life and they still don’t feel happy, and they don’t know why.
And that’s so confusing, because society says, “Hey, look at what you have. You should be grateful.” And you are grateful. But there’s a bigger problem here, is that you’re also disconnected and you don’t know how to fix it. So alcohol becomes the easiest way to not think about it, to not feel it, just to shut everything down and quiet your mind.
And what makes it worse is this. You spent your entire adulthood being the responsible one. Providing. Leading. The one who holds it all together for everyone else in the family. And somewhere along the way, you stopped asking, “What do I really want? What am I doing all this for? What does this next chapter look like?”
And then one day you wake up and you realize you’re in the second half of your life, and then it hits you like a freight train. And that’s when the gray gets louder. That’s when the drinking becomes more frequent, the marriage feels more distant, and that’s when the questions start showing up for you.
So what do you do about it? Maybe you’ve tried moderating, but I want to address moderation, because this is another place people get stuck. Because so many high performers think that moderation sounds like the mature solution, but in reality, moderation is exhausting. Because moderation requires you to be mentally negotiating with yourself all the time. “Should I drink tonight? How much is too much? What time should I stop? What time should I start? Should I drink tomorrow? What if I don’t drink at dinner? What if I do?”
That is constant decision-making right there. And you know what successful people already have too much of? Decision-making. You’re making decisions all day long. Then at night, you’re flipping tired and your brain doesn’t want discipline. Your brain wants relief. So you do what works. You pour the drink. And then the next morning you say, “Damn it, not again.” And then you repeat the cycle.
This is why I don’t talk about alcohol as a moral issue. This is behavioral science, and this is internal triggers. This is the nervous system, and it’s pattern-based.
So here’s what I want you to hear from this first episode. If you take nothing else from this, please take this. If alcohol is still in your life, it’s because it’s solving something. And if you want to change the behavior, you don’t start by fighting the alcohol. You start by asking, “What am I trying to escape?” Because that answer is where your freedom begins.
So let me give you something tangible right now. We’re going to do something together, and I hope that you will do it with me. I want you to rate these four areas of your life, one through ten. Don’t overthink it, just be honest, okay?
The first area we’re going to look at is your body. How’s your health, really? And your energy and your sleep? How about your strength and your weight and recovery and your diet? When you think about your body as a whole, and you’re going to rate yourself one through ten, ten being the best it could possibly be, one being the worst, where would you rate yourself? Got your number?
Okay, good. Let’s move on to the next category, which is being. Being is all about your connection to yourself and to God. Okay, so here’s how I want you to rate it. Think of some of these questions. How’s your internal world? What about your faith, or the lack thereof? Do you have one? How about your internal peace, your connection to God, and your connection to yourself? On a scale of one through ten, ten being the highest and one being the lowest, where do you rate yourself?
Let’s move on to balance. Balance, this area is all about relationships. We’re going to really focus on your significant other. If you don’t have a significant other, then I want you to think about your family and then your friends. How is your marriage? How is your emotional connection to your partner? How about your general relationships? Are you actually present with these relationships? Again, on a scale one to ten, where would you rate yourself?
And lastly, let’s look at your business. And it’s not just owning a business. If you don’t own a business, I want you to think big here on how is your purpose. When you think about your legacy and your drive and your direction, do you feel proud, or are you just tired? Our business world is everything to do with our longevity and our financial world and our purpose. So if we’re thinking about that, again on a scale one through ten, ten being the highest, one being the lowest, where are you?
Now that you have a general idea, I want you to ask yourself, which of those areas feels the most off? And you’re also avoiding it. Because that’s usually where the drinking is doing its job. And if you can identify that, you’ve already started shifting, because clarity changes everything.
Now if you’re wondering why I’m so passionate about all of this, it’s because I’ve lived it. I mentioned that to you earlier, and it’s true. I was that person that looked fine on the outside, but inside I knew something was off. And I spent the last decade working with hundreds of high-performing men and women, helping them get honest and clear, to get their edge back. And not just by quitting drinking. That’s just the surface. But by addressing the life that’s underneath it, because that’s the real work.
And if this episode hit home for you, I want you to know I created something free that I want to give to you. It’s called the Gray Area Audit. It takes only about 15 minutes. It’s private, and it will show you exactly where you’re living in the gray and what it’s costing you. I’ll link it in the show notes for you if you want to go ahead and download it.
So let me leave you with this. You don’t need a rock bottom, and you don’t need to blow up your life. You don’t need to wait for something terrible to happen. And if you’re listening to this, you already know something is off. And the fact that you’re here tells me something: that you’re ready for more. More clarity, more strength, more connection, more purpose, more integrity. And that, my friend, is what Beyond the Gray is about.
In the next episode, we’re going to go deeper into what happens when you try to make a change and you keep sliding back. Because it’s not a willpower issue. It’s a pattern issue. And patterns, they can be interrupted. If this hit home for you today, consider subscribing or follow, and go listen to episode two, because we’re just getting started.
I’m Kari, and this is Beyond the Gray. I’ll see you in the next episode.
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