I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why moderation feels so hard. And here’s what I have found: It’s what you brain has to do with it.
It’s often the little rules we create for ourselves. Not the big life rules. I’m talking about the tiny ones that show up in our daily routines.
You know the ones…
“I’ll only have dessert on weekends.” “No scrolling after nine.” “I’ll start eating better on Monday.” “I’ll only check email twice a day.”
At first, the rule feels good. It gives you a sense of control. Like you’ve drawn a line in the sand and decided how things are going to go.
But then life happens.
A stressful day. A celebration. A late night. A moment when you’re tired or distracted.
And the rule somehow gets twisted into a little bend.
You tell yourself it’s just this once. You’ll reset tomorrow.
And then the cycle repeats.
If you’ve ever experienced that pattern, you’re not alone. And more importantly, it doesn’t mean you lack discipline.
In many cases, it means your brain is simply doing what brains do. It’s staying in familiarity mode. And this is why moderation feels so hard.
Why “rules” are harder than they seem
There’s a concept in psychology called decision fatigue.
Researchers studying self-control have found that the more decisions we make throughout the day, the harder it becomes to regulate our behavior later on.
Think about how many decisions you make before dinner even hits the table! It’s mind boggling.
What to wear that day? What’s for lunch? Who called off sick? Who needs my direct attention right now? What fires am I needing to address? What’s for lunch? What project out of five on my desk now can wait till tomorrow? Did I call my spouse yet? What tee time did the boys say they wanted on Saturday? What’s for dinner?
Not to mention the BIG decisions regarding your work, health and family responsibilities.
There’s a study by Psychology Today that states the average person makes 35,000 choices per day. Yes, you read that correctly. That’s roughly 2000 decisions per hour!
And your brain is processing ALL OF THAT… or at least trying its best.
By evening, the mental energy that fuels discipline is already lower than it was in the morning.
So when we rely on ‘rules’ that require us to make the same disciplined decision over and over again, we’re often asking our most exhausted brain to do the hardest work.
That’s why the rule you made earlier in the day can feel solid at noon… and suddenly negotiable at eight o’clock.
It’s not weakness.
It’s biology.
And I lived in that chaos for years with my drinking rules. It was both maddening and defeating.
Why moderation feels so hard
There’s another psychological pattern that shows up when rules break.
Researchers call it the abstinence violation effect, which is a fancy way of describing something very human.
When we break a rule we set for ourselves, we’re often more likely to abandon the effort completely rather than simply adjust and move forward.
You planned to skip dessert… but you had the cookie.
So now the whole evening becomes “a wash.” (Raising my hand!)
You told yourself you’d stop scrolling earlier… but now you’re already on your phone, so you keep going. Why not, right?
One small slip turns into a full reset.
And when that cycle repeats enough times, something else begins to shift.
Our confidence in ourselves.
Every broken rule becomes a tiny piece of evidence our brain stores away that says, “Maybe I’m not as disciplined as I thought.”
That’s a heavy story to carry around. It erodes your confidence and often pushes you towards shame… that you’re not “good enough”.
An unexpected alternative
Here’s something I’ve seen over and over again, both personally and with people I work with.
Sometimes the thing that creates the most freedom is not finding a better rule.
It’s removing the negotiation entirely.
When something is simply not on the table, your brain stops arguing about it.
Think about a simple example.
Many people try to moderate their screen time with timers, limits, and rules. But they often end up thinking about their phone even more.
The moment they delete the app altogether, even temporarily, the mental noise quiets down.
Not because they suddenly gained more willpower. Because the decision is no longer up for debate every hour of the day. And I know for me, there’s a surprising amount of peace in that.
Same thing with alcohol, sweets, or any habit you’re trying to moderate. If you remove it completely and it’s no longer an option, your brain begins to settles down. It takes just one decision. One declaration that it’s done.
Something to sit with this week
If you’ve been asking why moderation feels so hard, rather than creating another rule for yourself this week, try something different.
Ask yourself a few honest questions.
Which habit in your life requires the most negotiation right now?
How much mental energy are you spending managing it?
And what might change if, just for a short period of time, that negotiation disappeared completely?
You don’t have to answer those questions perfectly. Just sit with them.
Sometimes awareness alone is enough to shift the way we approach something.
This week on Beyond the Gray
In this Tuesday’s podcast episode, I explore this idea of moderation and mental negotiation in more depth.
It’s a conversation about why managing certain habits can drain more energy than we realize, and what happens when that constant negotiation finally stops.
Here’s what I want to leave you with…
Struggling to manage a habit doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.
The real question isn’t whether you have enough willpower to keep fighting the same battle every day.
The question is whether that battle is actually serving you.
Sometimes the most powerful decision we can make is simply choosing something easier… deciding it’s better without it.
Here’s to living beyond the gray,
Kari
P.S. You can catch this week’s episode on Youtube or click here to listen on Apple or Spotify.
